Reporter for The Canyon Weekly
For many people, the holidays are a mixed bag of emotions.
“It can be joyful,” Licensed Professional Counselor, Jennifer Ungarwulff – owner of Mother Heart Counseling in Silverton – said. “But that’s not everyone’s experience. The stress of prepping for the holidays, cleaning, cooking, having people over on top of what we’re already doing – especially parents who are working – and we’re supposed to find time and money. It’s not easy at all.”
Added to that, difficult family relationships, left unaddressed, can trigger previously established dynamics.
“And we may not feel safe emotionally to process what comes up,” Ungarwulff said. “But we can only shove things down for so long.”
Which is why Ungarwulff suggests taking a proactive approach to the holiday season.
“You get to have a conversation with yourself and ask – what would it look like to do less or let go of the things that feel obligatory and embrace the meaningful?” she said. “To be able to be assertive?”
It’s not easy, Ungarwulff admitted, especially when separations, divorce, shared custody and loss are an unavoidable part of life.
“So, make space for it,” she said. “Create space. Because when we’re not fighting against ourselves and our experience, we don’t have to pretend something is different.” Or that we are not grieving.
In fact, embracing grief – by adding a new remembrance ritual or spending more time with those who are still here – can sometimes create space for joy amidst the pain.
“But it’s difficult,” Ungarwulff said. “Most people don’t have enough space in life. But if we don’t make space for grief and stress, it comes out in arguments with kids or with spouses and you’ll get sick.”
Then it becomes necessary to ask for support.
“[W]hether that’s to friends, spouses, professionals, church,” Ungarwulff said. “We’re told it’s weak to ask for help, but I like the idea it’s actually more courageous to ask for help, to express vulnerability.”
And take care of yourself.
“I think people think about self-care as getting a manicure or pedicure,” Ungarwulff said. “But for me, it’s finding what feeds you, nourishes you and brings you rest.”
Such routines can include journaling, walking in nature or a mindfulness practice that includes checking in with yourself and asking – how am I feeling? What am I needing?
“Because, if you gift yourself the time to connect with yourself there’s something healing,” Ungarwulff said, acknowledging that finding that time during a busy holiday season, when so many activities feel obligatory, can feel impossible.
“Saying no, is really hard for many people,” she pointed out. “But we cannot do everything and when we try to, we become balls of stress and anxiety. Something has to give.”
And that’s why planning for the holidays now, checking in with yourself and your loved ones about what aspects of the holidays are important, is imperative to a better holiday season.
“Remember the point,” Ungarwulff suggested. “Find the meaning and center that. And remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect.”
